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01:46am 05/05/2007
It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...

You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore.

Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like "Maybe we should just be friends" or "How very perceptive" turns into a glass splinter working its way to your heart.

It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that.

Especially not love.

I hate love.

I've been making a list of the things they don't teach you at school. They don't teach you how to love someone. They don't teach you how to be famous. They don't teach you how to be rich, or how to be poor.
They don't teach you how to walk away from someone you don't love longer. They don't teach you how to know what's going on in someone else's mind. They don't teach you what to say to someone who's dying.

They don't teach you anything worth knowing.

I'm not blessed or merciful. I'm just me. I've got a job to do, and I do it... I'm there for old and young, innocent and guilty, those who die together and those who die alone. I'm in cars and boats and planes, in hospitals and forests and abattoirs. For some folks death is a release, and for others death is an abomination, a terrible thing. But in the end, I'm there for all of them.

When the first living thing existed, I was there, waiting. When the last living thing dies, my job will be finished. I'll put the chairs on the tables, turn out the lights and lock the universe behind me when I leave.

I think I fell in love with her, a little bit. Isn't that dumb? But it was like I knew her. Like she was my oldest dearest friend. The kind of person you can tell anything to, no matter how bad, and they'll still love you, because they know you. I wanted to go with her. I wanted her to notice me.
And then she stopped walking. Under the moon, she stopped. And she looked at us. She looked at me. Maybe she was trying to tell me something; I don't know. She probably didn't even know I was there. But I'll always love her. All my life.

Entropy and optimism: the twin forces that make the universe go round.
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[for lisa]  
01:04am 04/05/2007
Death had eaten breakfast and taken a cup of coffee to enjoy the bright morning sunshine on the southeast side of the compound. Sitting with her back to the wall, she enjoyed the growing heat and rising humidity as the jungle exhaled its morning breath into the island air. The day was alive with the singing of bugs and the calls of birds and Death took it all in. This web of life, these plants and animals and people, rocks and soil and atoms from space soaking into her skin...

It was a lovely morning to be alive.
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A Near Death Experience  
01:00pm 12/03/2007
Too late, kiddo. You're dead.Collapse )
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Monday March 12th, Afternoon  
09:34pm 11/03/2007
Death had heard the commotion in the rec room and had promptly rolled over and gone back to sleep. She didn't wake up until mid-day and by then she was so bleary that she'd ducked through the rec room directly to the kitchen, fetched herself a cup of coffee and went outside. People were so noisy at times.

She wandered into the grass, marvelling at the clouds and the steady booming thunder. It almost didn't sound like thunder at all. Part of her wondered if something important was happening since there seemed to be nobody outside, and even the dogs that normally ran about were just...gone.

The booming thunder grew louder and as she took a sip, the cup clinked against her teeth. That was when she realized the sound wasn't coming from the sky. It was coming from the island. She'd seen the births of volcanos, and their rebirths, so when she turned around, she fuly expected the distant mountain to be belching ash into the sky.

The absolute last last thing she expected to see was a family of brachiosaurs making their way south-west. They towered over her and for the first time since she'd been alive, she felt very small in the presence of another being. She had been Death. She had been the end of all things. She had...about two seconds to move or she was getting squished.

Death ducked to the left, her cup falling from her hand. There was nowhere to go as they passed over her, unaware of such a small and insignificant mammal in their presence. The matriarch first, a bull, and several young. Too many feet. Too much motion. She stepped left again, then ran to the right, and just when she could see the end of the motion of powerful legs, a tail whipped down and around and caught her squarely and sent her flying.

Air was something humans needed and she wasn't getting any. She gasped, but none came, and the little that did make it in hurt. Her bones were wrong, her body was all fire and bubbles and gurgles and tearing.

She felt the ground when it rose up to catch her, her body first and then her head. White light exploded behind her eyes and suddenly there was no more booming. No more irritation of chatter. No more sunlight. She just lay there, meters from the Compound. Something inside the black warmth told her this was it.

Death was certain.
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[for stephen]  
12:25am 15/02/2007
[continued from here]

Her blouse fell away and she brought her hands back around to undo his trousers. "I've thought of this, Stephen. Having you in my bed. Have you? Thought of me?"
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(no subject)  
10:39am 12/02/2007
"...and it is fairly understood that everyday is the last one we'll ever see...."
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Date Four  
01:42pm 27/01/2007
It was Saturday and it was beautiful and Death went to the secret beach alone. She didn't know if Maladicta would come, or someone else...or no one at all. This wrong-body phenomenon was strange and unsettling and she wished for Stephen to come, no matter how he looked. More than a sweetheart, she just wanted her friend back.

She sat on the beach on the hard, wet sand, letting the warm waves of the incoming tide creep up her legs. Next to her was a sand castle that she'd been building, then rebuilding as the water nibbled it away.
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made for MEEEEE  
09:55pm 20/01/2007
By appelezmoi_coco

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Ievan Polkka  
03:35pm 08/01/2007
Ievan Polkka Collapse )
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Dating and Diplomacy  
08:55pm 06/01/2007
Potato soup, rabbit pie, noodles with butter, green beans cooked with bacon, shortbread cookies, and canned peaches seemed a lot more interesting when it was laid out nicely on the table. None of it seemed to be anything that might be served on a ship and she was rather proud of the way it smelled. It might even taste good. The last thing she did was make a proper pot of tea before Doctor Maturin...Stephen...arrived. She even had a new dress from the box. With any luck it would be a civilised moment in an uncivilised place.
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